Stroppy Video - The Ballad of the Noob

The moral of this ballad. Ex wives will sometimes cost you more than just alimony.

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My Favorite April Fools Joke of All Time

Since everyone has been talking about the April Fools pranks that have peppered the Internet over the last day, I thought I might make a second post and reminisce about my favorite April fools prank of all time. And it’s not a web one either.

This prank occurred many years ago when I was in my late teens.

At the time down at one of the waterfront areas there was a restaurant called the Buffalo. The original Buffalo was one of the first colony or explorer ships to come to this area and the restaurant was a replica of the original ship.

On this April 1st, a local Adelaide radio station breakfast team told their listeners that the Buffalo was doing a promotion and that the first 100 people would be taken on a cruise around the bay.

Sure enough a few people turned up and waiting for their chance at a cruise.

The problem, or the prank was that the Buffalo was a replica. It wasn’t a real ship, it wasn’t even anywhere near the water, and it was built into the ground.

Yet still they waited for their cruise.

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Blizzard Buys Cryptic - Star Trek Licence Confirmed

Man it pays not to sleep!

One of my contacts has confirmed that, hot on the heels of the Activision merger, Blizzard has concluded talks to buy Cryptic Studios. As part of that deal, Blizzard is also gaining access to the Star Trek Online licence.

The new property will be called World of Star Trek. Blizzards John Smedley explains:

The World of Warcraft branding is important to us here at Blizzard. Our marketing department has determined through rigorous consumer testing that the ‘World of’ prefix is one of the primary reasons for the success of World of Warcraft. Most people think it’s our attention to detail with casual friendly gameplay, but that’s not it all.

Consequently, all of our new MMOs will use the ‘World of’ prefix, for instance, ‘World of Diablo 3.’ All of the MMO companies that we buy with our 500 million dollar profit in the next year will also be required to execute a name change for their games.

I was lucky enough to talk to a senior Blizzard staffer about the features of the new game. Unfortunately, most of the features are very hush hush. Luckily, I can tell you about some of them.

• Some of the locations include, Star Fleet Academy, the planet Vulcan, the Klingon Homeworld, the Ocampa World, and the 1950’s mining town from that episode of Enterprise.
• Players will be able to create a Borg player character and assimilate other player characters.
• Newbie areas will have phasers restricted to stun.
• The Prime Directive will be involved by giving players quests where they are not allowed to do anything.
• Players using the transporters will be beamed to random locations for missions, much as in the television series’.
• Players will be able to me, and be given away missions by every Captain from each series.
• Similar to monster play in Lord of the Rings Online, a PvP 1v1 arena option will be provided where players will be able to engage in a battle royale as either Kirk or Picard.

Due to large parts of the game already completed, World of Star Trek will be released before Christmas this year. As Blizzard does not want a conflict with other upcoming releases, Wrath of the Lich King will be delayed to Fall of 2009.

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Peon Union vows Strike Action

Hordes of Peons were laid off today as their employer Peons4Hires closed down several large farming stations. Peons4Hire blamed lower than expected quarterly earnings coupled with the current economic conditions for the downsizing.

A Peons4Hire spokesorc made a brief statement at the gates of the Windrunner facility just prior to the layoffs, where he stated: “that since Azeroth was currently experiencing an economic recession due to poor credit management and the recent subprime crisis, it has become necessary for Peons4Hire to consider a corporate restructuring.

When asked if the recent court settlement with Blizzard had anything to with the layoffs, the spokesorc decapitated the offending reporter with his axe and said that many of the companys financial problems could have been resolved if employees hadn’t been using the TPS report covers to dispose of their sunshine trout.

The Allied Peons Union (APU) spokeorc, L.Z. McOrc refuted the companies allegations of employee behaviour, and laid the blame squarely on the lawsuit win by Blizzard that awarded them a permanent injunction against spamming players in World of Warcraft.

Mr McOrc made the following statement:

With the permanent injunction awarded to Blizzard, serious hardship has befallen many of our faithful, yet lazy, peons. Since Peons4Hire are no longer able to sell virtual assets, or provide powerlevelling services to their clients, there is no longer a need for our services.

Many lazy peons are feeling the pinch tonight. These valued employees will not be able to provide for their families without the security of employment. What’s worse is that Peons4Hire is holding back on our redundancy benefits.

To ensure our members will have enough cheese and dry bread to feed their families we feel justified taking this strike action.

Wether the strike action is successful or not, it appears that the days of gold sellers are numbered. Blizzard, by aiming not at EULA violations, but at the negative effect that gold sellers have on player enjoyment and by implication on Blizzards revenue, have scored a significant win that will affect peons everywhere.

This reporter spoke with a number of peons as they headed out the server gates today and one sentiment echoed among the majority of displaced peons.

“I can’t wait for Warhammer.”

Thanks: Massively

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Five IPs I would like to see made into MMOs

Lately, it seems every man and his dog are getting into the business of making massive multiplayer online games. Yesterday I reported on the licensing of the Warhammer 40K property by THQ. Today I noticed that the Pirates of the Carribean is being MMOized. You’ve gotta wonder how many Cap’n Jack wannabes will be made in that one. Still, there’s got to be some value in being a scurvy drunken swashbucker. As long as the character creation lets you have rotten teeth, I’ll be happy!

Anyway, this got me thinking about intellectual properties and online games. I came up with a five IPs that I wouldn’t mind being made into a game.

Buffy the Vampire Slayer

A PvP Action Online game to slay ‘em all. Taking a little licence, Sunnydale doesn’t fall into a hole at the end of the series, but Buffy still shares her ‘gift’ with the world. Slayers start at the beginning of high school, and at the end of each game year graduate to the next level. Form your own Scooby Gang as you battle Vampyr, Monsters, and the Forces of Darkness. Oh, and by the way. You can play as Vampyr, Monsters, and the Forces of Darkness. Two sides against each other in a PvP battle royale.

Monty Python and the Holy Grail

You start off this game as a repressed socialist dwelling in the bogs of ancient Britain.

As you progress in influence and questing, you will come up against a variety of foes such as the Knights who say Ni! Old Women, and little fluffy bunnies who can take of your head in a single flying nip. You don’t actually get a mount in this game, but if you get to a high enough level, you’ll get a minion with a couple of coconut halves to bash together.

There’s not much of a death penalty either, because you’re always getting better.

Star Wars

I know, there was technically an online game based in the Star Wars universe, but, err, well nevermind. Star Wars Online Done Right^Tm is set in a time frame that would suit lots of Jedi running around, which is rich in story. The New Republic era comes to mind, with Luke rebuilding the Jedi order. Plenty of bad guys, and plenty of opportunities for adventure. Likewise, the Knights of the Old Republic era would make for an exceptional game, free from the story rigidity between episode 4 and 5.

Dungeon Keeper

Dungeon Keeper, the game that billed itself as it’s good to be bad, would make a fine hybrid RTS MMO. The player gets to build himself a dungeon and then defend it against bands of good guys with the help of his trusty minions. As he grows in level and stature, the player is able to build better dungeons and recruit nastier creatures to defend it. Bondage Mistress anyone?

Taking a leaf from LotRO’s monster play. Dungeon Masters can leave their dungeons and team up with others to raid another players dungeon for the treasure within.

House

Play in the world of the ascerbic MD. Dr Gregory House. Your quests are to diagnose many the mysterious ailments afflicting your patients while maintaining your morale against the cutting remarks of your questgiver. World of House-craft, or as it will be known once Tyra Banks has her way with it, World of House-crack, will be a brilliant blend of grief and humor.

Continuing the Meme

So, that’s the list of five intellectual properties that I’d like to see made into MMOs. Anyone else have any others?

In fact I might nominate a couple of other bloggers to continue this meme. How about DM Osbon and Gitr? Do you guys feel like participating?

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A Great Hunters Weapon

DM Osbon put me onto a site where you can create your own World of Warcraft items. While looking through it, I came across this little beauty.

The best bow in the game

It works much like any Hunter Weapon. Equipping it draws aggro from every non-hunter class in the game. Use increases the frequency of Nerf posts on the World of Warcraft Official Forums by a factor of 100.

A must have for any self respecting Hunter.

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Academics Wanted

From the same people who brought you the research grants to study that women who drink are more fun to study, now bring you a grant to study role playing in World of Warcraft. So if you are a Phd and like Rutger Hauer movies. Check out the article. Who knows you might make a name in academia for yourself.

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You know you are playing too much World of Warcraft when - Part 4

Some more hints that you’ve been playing too much World of Warcraft.

You know you’ve been playing too much World of Warcraft when:

1. 1. You think about hearthing home at the end of a long day.
2. 2. You feel like a beer and think about hearthing to the pub (inn).
3. 3. You get a ‘pot’ of coffee.
4. 4. Your friend says Wow! and you immediately think of WoW.
5. 5. A door to door salesman comes to the door and you try and get your cat to attack.
6. 6. You finally finish that report at work and yell Horde FTW!
7. 7. A player gets tackled in a footy game, and you yell, “Pwnd!”
8. 8. You wish the weeds in your garden were kingsblood.

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You know you are playing too much World of Warcraft when - part 3

1. You wonder if road rage will help you beat the traffic lights.

2. You visit the zoo and think that the polar bear would make a good tanking pet.

3. You try and set your PvP flag when you see a garden gnome.

4. You wind down the window and yell “For the Horde!” when passing a field of cattle.

5. You wonder how fast that can of soda will restore your mana.

6. You say grats when the microwave finishes cooking the meal.

7. You keep an eye out for Murlocs when walking along the beach with your date.

8. You tell your friend that you will pst them with a slash invite for the party.

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You know you are playing too much World of Warcraft when - part 2

you wake up on your birthday and yell “Ding!”

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